This sure isn't a 'Brady Bunch' kind of moment

Ah July, the heart of the summer. As we bask in the sun, sipping lemonade and anticipating whether or not the grasshoppers will get full before they finish off the butterfly bush, one thing lingers on the forefront of everyone's mind — the family vacation.

When I think of our family vacations, I long for the "Brady Bunch" version. I fantasize myself experiencing a good hair day and smiling with love as I pass baloney sandwiches to the back of the car and my children reward me with smiles and gratitude as they break into yet another round of "Row Row Row Your Dang Boat."

Yes sir! And when you think about it, you realize that there's nothing quite like time alone in a car that's packed with kinfolk.

Yet, as I planned our recent family vacation, I couldn't help trembling with fear as I remembered what the last six-hour car ride with our little dears consisted of. Although I had read my parenting books and made mental notes of fun things to do with four kids while strapped into a safety harness, I realized that the renowned author, Dr. C.I. Havenokids, might not have been in touch with the real world when he made his recommendations.

Even though I'd followed his advice to the letter and packed each of the kids their own little shoe box complete with a juice pack, crayons, and enough word searches to make a noun choke, they were not entertained.

They rolled their eyes at my suggestion of Treasure Hunt, scoffed at the idea of a rousing game of algebraic equations, and when I suggested the traditional game of "Let's see who can be quiet the longest," they all shouted in unison, "I lose!"

Out of sheer boredom, they then brawled over the window seat, wrestled over invisible boundary lines, fought over food, where to go, who's right, who's wrong, and for the love of all that is sane—who did it last.

They said, "No fair!" 12 times and "You love him more!" 16 times. Then they called out, "He's looking at me!," which was repeatedly followed by "He did it first!" and that was all before we'd turned on the engine.

Even though my spouse and I knew that a family vacation was a mistake before we made it to the end of the block, we persevered with all the hope and ignorance we could muster.

And it was a doggoned disaster.

Yet, I am nothing if not a seasoned mother, so with great determination to learn from our past, I took great pains to make this year's car ride to our vacation destination the moment of fun-filled family entertainment that I knew that it could be.

We were going to, by-gum, have a good time if it killed me.

The first thing I did was to drop my "Guide to a Fun-filled Car Ride" by Dr. Havenokids into the recycling bin and started packing with my own themes in mind.

I threw out my flash cards, word puzzles and theme books for the states and capitals and focused instead on iPods, PSPs, MP3s and enough DVDs to make me want to buy a vowel.

I saw to it that the CD players were working, the game systems sorted out, and I certainly took into consideration that the portable disc players were not going to charge themselves.

Headsets had to be located, laptops updated and fresh batteries installed in each and every device.

At last when the big day came, our children were packed into the sedan and looking as crisp and fresh as subjects for a Radio Shack commercial.

We made it to the end of the driveway with barely a conflict. The Clinch mobile rolled down the street as the Clinch children made nary a peep. We were out of town and onto the highway before my beloved spouse spoke.

"What did you do with our kids?" he asked suspiciously.

"Whatever do you mean?"

"I don't know who you have sitting so quietly in the two back seats, but I'm reasonably certain that those quiet adolescents do not belong to us."

"Oh that," I responded happily. "I plugged them in."

"Well, I don't like it. Make them turn that stuff off so we can do some family bonding."

Looking in the back seat and seeing all of the children engrossed in their electronic entertainment, I looked at my husband with love and said the only thing that I could, "Are you out of your 'Don't make me stop this car and drop you off at the nearest orphanage!' mind?"

Lori Clinch is the mother of four sons and the author of the book "Are We There Yet?" You can reach her at www.loriclinch.com.