Father of the groom: 'I'm not responsible!' GREG BEAN Coda Idon't mean to sound like I'm whining here, but I think I've led a pretty responsible life, and all that responsibility has turned me into a shadow of my former self (a larger shadow, if you're looking at the shadow of my waistline). I don't think I started becoming very responsible until I enrolled in college. Before that,my greatest responsibility had been a tank full of guppies. I accidentally killed them, however, when I grabbed what I thought was the old plastic bleach bottle I used to mix their special water and filled the tank with actual bleach instead. The fish died. They were clean when they died, but they died nevertheless. After I started college, things changed, and I had to become responsible. I was responsible for my tuition, and living expenses, and grades and a part-time job and paying the rent on time. In graduate school I was responsible for my own studies, but also responsible for teaching a few classes, preparing lectures, grading papers. Then the real world barged in and I got really responsible. First, I was responsible for a wife, then a mortgage, a dog, then a child, and all that entails. (Granted, my wife shared all those responsibilities, but if she wants to complain about this, she can write her own column, or a letter to the editor, who would be me.) I don't think I have to tell any parents out there how responsible you have to be when you have kids and want to raise them right. And as life rolls along, the responsibilities only grow. Inmy case, there weremore kids, and a career and bills and car repairs and Little League and doctors' visits and a bigger house. There were soccer practices, and tournaments, and wrestling matches and football games. There were parent teacher conferences, and leaky roofs and auto repairs. There was always something wrong with the plumbing, and a plumber doesn't even answer the phone for under a hundred bucks. I could go on and on, butmost of you know what I'm talking about. These days, I'm not only responsible for my own life, I'mresponsible for running the editorial department at these newspapers. There are some amongmy readers who tell me frequently I could be doing a better job (the guys who recently wrote me messages beginning "Dear Nitwit," and "Dear Greg Goon" for example). Still, I struggle to the best of my ability to keep our publications interesting, and valuable, and profitable, and keep the people who work for me employed. I enjoy that responsibility, but there's no denying itmakesme weary from time to time. Whenmy kids askme what I want to do when I eventually retire, I have a stock answer. "I don't care, as long as it doesn't involve being responsible for anyone or anything," I say. "I don't even want a goldfish." I don't think that will ever really happen, and I probably wouldn't want it anyway. Life just isn't like that. Unless, as I have discovered, you happen to be the father of a groom. It was with great joy that one ofmy sons announced not too long ago that he was gettingmarried this fall, and he and his brideto be have been busily planning their ceremony and the party to follow. And like a good and responsible parent, I kept waiting for him to tell me what was expected of me. The call didn't come, or at least it hasn't yet, so I started doing a little research. Forewarned is forearmed and all that. What, exactly, is the father of the groom responsible for, other than providing the groom in the first place? Good luck finding the answer to that one. Did you know that on Amazon.com, there are 559 books and publications listed dealing with wedding etiquette and the responsibilities of the people involved? Did you know that when you type "father of the groom responsibilities" into the Amazon search engine, there is not a single match? That's a bust, so let's try Google. On that search engine, there are lots of hits (29,400) for wedding etiquette, and the responsibilities of the various parties. The responsibilities of the father of the groom, however, are usually listed in a couple of sentences at the end. They apparently involve: •Meeting the bride's parents before the wedding day (done). • Paying the cost of the rehearsal dinner (optional/conditional). •Arriving at the ceremony on time (one hour early if photographs are planned). • Dressing appropriately. In other words, no T-shirts, flip-flops or Speedo trunks, unless it's a beach wedding. • Escorting the groom's mother during the recessional (conditional). • Dancing with themother of the groom (optional/conditional). • Standing to the left of the groom's mother and to the right of the bride in the receiving line (optional/conditional). • Sitting to the left of the groom's mother at the parents' table during the reception (optional/conditional). •Making a toast to the bride and groom (optional/conditional). •Mingling with the guests at the reception (conditional/optional). • Maintaining a sufficient level of sobriety that you do not say or do anything that would embarrass the bride, groom or any of the assorted guests (this is optional at some weddings/conditional at others). • Dancing with the bride at some unspecified point during the reception (optional/ conditional). In other words, the father of the groom's only absolute and non-negotiable responsibilities are wearing clean and appropriate clothes (no turning up naked, unless the wedding is at a nudist colony, or a French beach), showing up on time, escorting the groom's mother in and out of the ceremony (if the groom's mother and father are still married, which in many cases these days, they are not) and not drinking enough to enter an altered universe (no beer helmets or canteens full of Jack Daniels). Anything else is open for discussion. I can handle this. And not only can I handle it, I'm looking forward to it. On the big day, people will ask me what I'm doing, and I'll just smile. "I'm going to my son's wedding," I'll say. "And I'm not doing a darned thing." For me, it will be the realization of an ideal. Gregory Bean is executive editor of GreaterMediaNewspapers. To comment on this opinion, you can write to gbean@gmnews. com.